How NOT to Argue With Your Spouse: And other unhelpful tips.

I hate arguments. I am no good at arguing.

But wait a minute... who LIKES arguing, and who indeed is good at it? Hell, I have enough counselling and communication skills that one would think this is something I could potentially be good at. That being said, no one teaches you how to argue without emotion when it's completely emotional. Oh wait. That's probably a good thing, right? After all, the reason we argue is because something or someone has said or done something that has hurt us or caused us to feel badly about ourselves or our actions. Of course, someone can hit a nerve without even knowing it's a nerve. See? Now it's just getting complex!

I have gathered, over the years, some very unhelpful tips at arguing with someone you love. Please, I urge you to read and not follow them.

1. Do not raise your voice. You will only get noise complaints. See, raising one's voice can feel really good. Cathartic, even! But in the end it is jarring, unhelpful, and as mentioned above, you will recive noise complaints. And trust me, having to talk to your landlord about domestic arguments can be AWK-WARD.

2. For those of us riding the menses train, do not argue when you have PMS. I know, I know, the old "Aunt Flo cop-out." But srsly, peeps. It's time to move beyond the stigma and the defensiveness and just admit that for some of us, there are a few days where no one, not even your houseplant, can do anything right. It is not our fault. We are not weaklings because sometimes our hormones take over. It's chemicals! It's science! It's legit cause it's science! I have never once used PMS as an "excuse". Sometimes, it actually happens to be a reason.

3. Do not throw the adult tantrum. This is one I have recently learned. To be honest, I will do anything to avoid escallating an argument. So I will try and stay calm. But secretly, I've always wanted to try stomping out of the house and peeling out of the driveway without telling anyone where I'm going. So one day, I tried it! Let me tell you, wow, that doesn't work. It was so disappointing! It ends up making me feel like a child, it makes the argu-buddy even angrier, and it's pretty hard to pull off. i.e. - You make your grand exit then get to the car and realize you don't have keys and you have to go home and get them. It's the visual equivalent of a ten year old stomping out the door, running away from home and then promptly realizing that he or she has no tools to function, no money, no change of underwear or toothbrush, and that she kinda just wants to go back home where it's safe, warm, and where food is served. When you go back for the keys, the dramatic gesture is so spoiled that you really do just want to shuffle back inside and sulk on the couch.

4. Never. Ever. EVER. Argue via text message. This should be rule number one. Like, rule #1, Letter A, bold and underlined font. And we with cell phones ALL DO IT. The temptation is too great. I don't know about you, but to have the ability to "let it go" and decide to talk when we are next in each other's presence is like dangling a cigarette in front of my mouth when I'm two drinks in. The number of miscommunications I have had via text arguments is staggering. You'd think I would learn from this. Nope, neeeeeever do.

5. Understand that even though you may not be able to go to bed angry, others can. This is, for me, a bit like #4. The temptation to fix things (ahem. "fix things.") before the lights go down is painfully strong. I turn into a collie-type breed where I cannot settle until all my sheep are accounted for. Must. Talk. Things. To. Death. Unfortunately, if you're someone who likes to cool down first, this can be, err, problematic. Ideally there is compromise involved, but until then, all I can say is have a drink, take the dog for a walk, and write pointless non-advice in an underread blog.

See what I did there?

Next up on the PS Guide of Unhelpful Tips: How to talk your way into an anxiety attack... and maintain it for HOURS!

xo-PS