Who needs enemies? I have myself.

It's been a while since I've written. I'd say I've been busy, but that would be a lie. I guess I just haven't wanted to air my dirty laundry and messed up internal thoughts to the world these days. That being said, I remember how much writing in this blog has helped me in the past, and I hope it can begin to help me again.

I got sick for about a month. No big deal, just a flu, and then another flu. I haven't been that sick... I don't know, maybe ever? Certainly not since I was a child. A combination of reasons, I figure. I had spent so long in seclusion on my medical leave, then I began working in a bar and with children within one week. My immune system wasn't up for the challenge, clearly. Also, I didn't get a flu shot this year, and I get them annually. Say what you will about the flu shot, I know people have different beliefs about it. I always got it because my doctor and I agreed that me being out for two weeks straight would be hard on my work, and also I wouldn't be able to go see my mother if she needed me. This year it just slipped my mind, I never got around to it. Turns out, being sick for a month and not seeing my mother for a month was about as shitty as my doctor and I had predicted. I went to see Mum yesterday after a month of no visits. It was wonderful to see her, but bittersweet as the visits always tend to be. She just seems to be in a holding pattern between life and death. I still dream about her every night, and every night she is her old, well self. I wake up and remember every morning, that she's not okay any more.

Mums. We take them for granted. I sure did... I can't tell you how many days in a row while I was sick I just wished for someone to help me into the shower then change my dirty, sweaty sheets while I was cleaning up. Nothing better when you're sick than climbing into fresh pyjamas, fresh sheets, and having someone bring you orange Jell-o. Partway through my second flu bout I remembered something my therapist and I had talked about - asking for help. Something I rarely do, and had been trying to change. I called up my best friend first thing in the morning, and accepted her help for the entire day, despite the fact that she had other things going on. Yeah, I felt a bit guilty. But I had reached the point where I was too sick, tired and scared to care. I don't know what I would do without the few close friends around who I feel comfortable - they keep me sane and healthy when I don't have the strength to do so for myself.

That's all I felt like writing about for today. I have a lot of other things going on, but I'm too afraid to write about them - I guess I'm just not ready to be honest with myself yet. It's coming, though... I've done a lot of thinking about relationships and my behaviour in them for the past while. Hence the title of this post. I don't need enemies in my life, I trash myself enough for an army of mean and vindictive people. Nobody is sabataging my life but myself.

For now,
PS