Being true means having to look stupid sometimes.

I re-read yesterdays post, and I felt the strong desire to delete it.

I have had this feeling before, and I've often debated this with myself. If I re-read something I've written and I don't like it, for various reasons, is it being "true" to myself and thought process to delete it? Some posts I write I just think are boring, therefore want to get rid of them so that everything I write feels witty and informative. Some are just inaccurate in the strong light of day. But what it really comes down to is that at some point I felt that way, so to delete it would be to delete a thought process that got me to where I am now. So it stays, and I put up with the discomfort of knowing it's there for people to read.

Why did I feel positive about the prospect of dating? About the possibility of me being ready? I actually have a simple answer - endorphins. I had a dance lesson last night (for the first time since the holidays) and was left feeling functional, energetic, kinda normal. I was feeling good about myself and the world.

Then I woke up. The thing that sucks about being depressed - clinically depressed - is that sometimes I get a brief reprieve, and I'm reminded of how I used to feel most of the time. That reminder is harder to swallow when I wake up feeling sad, useless, and completely unmotivated.

I got up way early this morning to go get pictures of my eyes taken. After coming home and realizing that with dilated pupils I couldn't even read, I climbed back into bed and slept the rest of the morning away. I woke up feeling lower than I've felt in months. Why? That's the kicker. No reason! Haha. These are the days that we talk about in group - because these are the days where the work I've done around myself and my mood is going to be put to the test. It's pretty easy to talk about getting myself out of a slump, it's another to do it.

So this is it. This is me doing something differently from how I used to do things. I desperately want to go back to bed and sleep away the afternoon, and that would be OKAY. I wouldn't lose any self-improvement bonus points, but I guarantee I won't wake up at 4:00 feeling any better than I do now. So I chunk my day - take little pieces of time and get through each one.

Step one - shower. Step two, make my bed and do my dishes. If you've ever lived with depression or gone through an episode of depression, you know how incredibly daunting the prospect of these tasks can be.

This is why I wanted to delete yesterday's post. I read it and felt like it was mocking me - MY words were mocking me. Who the fuck was I to think I'd be ready to be with someone else? Who would want to be with this? These are the thoughts I often think, so it's time to do that differently as well. I will not spend the day telling myself "who would want to be with you?" - I will go through the day concentrating on the things that I think I do well, the ways in which I am functioning, because even though my functioning feels small in societal terms, it feels really big to me right now.

Beginning my day after only a minor setback,

PS