Ahh yes, it's time for "Pyjama Smoker: The Dating Edition."
It was only a matter of time before I would have to bring this one up. To be honest, I've been a little reticent to do so. It's a pretty awkward, embarassing and broad topic, but that being said - when has that ever stopped me before.
I am lonely. There is nothing dirty about that sentence (and I will keep reminding myself of that). I am SO tired of people telling me that once you can be alone and *not* be lonely, only then are you ready to be in a relationship. It's the same idea of being single long enough that you start to really embrace yourself and your social circle so that when you start dating you don't build your world around that one person. That's just something, I believe that happens with maturity. We all fell into that trap in our thirties, and my my mind, it's just no longer acceptable.
The afforementioned are all very nice ideas, generally brought up by people who think they have been there and are now in a comfortable and supportive sexual relationship and glorify the days when they were comfortably single. Indeed, they were single for a year or two, and it was so good for them to "discover" themselves and actually get "out there" and "pursue activities" and "spend more time with their girlfriends". For the record, if being in a relationship means stopping those things, I might as well now throw in the towel. There is a middle ground, and I swear, I have seen it in people close to me. Again, I think that just comes with time and age.
Being single and admitting to your friends that you're lonely is actually quite difficult to do. I'm speaking as a woman, so I'm going to say that as a woman, it's very difficult to do - I don't know about the experiences of our men-folk. There can be a lot of judgement made around that admittance (mainly my own judgement based on the internalization of social norms). This judgement, mostly by me but sometimes by others, is increased tenfold when I factor in the fact that I consider myself a strong, modern woman who doesn't need (OR WANT) to rely on a partner for things such as financial support and, to be frank, babies. I like to think of myself as a feminist, but in a very broad and updated sense of the term. Femininsm has had its high points and its low points - so admitting you're a woman and a feminist these days can open yourself up to a lot of preconceived notions based on very old principles. Same as calling yourself a social worker. But I am WAY off topic.
Okay. Where was I. I would like to be in a relationship. Wanting and being capable of are two different things. That being said, I also believe I am capable of being in a relatively healthy relationship at this point in my life. I've proven to the world (and more importantly, myself) that I can be alone, and enjoy it. Hell, if anything, liking being by myself could pose a problem in the sense that I may enjoy it TOO much. Send me out on a date or a new social situation, and 95% of the time I would rather be in bed reading.
I'm 31, which is young, but engulfed that difficult pocket of age where most people are either settled down with a partner, or are just starting to get out of the relationship of his or her twenties, often resulting in children and complicated realtionships with his or her ex. I don't want to have children, so there's no deadline on meeting someone based on the life-cycle of my ovaries. I will admit to currently having a few pretty intense crushes (how fun is it to have a "crush"? No really!) but those people are either across the country or already spoken for, if you know what I mean. I live in a very sheltered, close-knit community, meaning I've been around enough that I know most people, and vice versa. And to top it all off, let's not forget that I have pretty crippling anxiety in new social situations. That aside, I also go through pretty serious bouts of depression where I cut people out of my life. In other words, I'm a bit of a hard sell.
My aunt, who I love and adore, frequently gets drunk, calls me and asks me if I'm happy (which I always respond yes for fear of further discussion), and then begins to tell me the same story of friends who met on e-Harmony. She is convinced that this is the path for me. Needless to say, I haven't tried it. If I ever do, I'm going to call her on it and hit HER up for the monthly payments, because really... paying to read online profiles of people who I'm too anxious to meet? Not a smart investment of my meager funds.
I suppose this is the point where I come up with some great conclusion to this thought pattern. I haven't come to one, though. I suppose I could just continue to live in this relatively sheltered social-anxiety bubble for a long time and be relatively comfortable...
... but then I remember what it's like to share a GOOD first kiss, and I wonder. Maybe it would be worth the anxiety to get out there again - just for that moment. After all, whether it leads to something or not, that moment holds a lot of hope. And hope, in my mind, is vastly under-rated.
Reaching no conclusion after a less-than-engaging post (sorry, readers),
PS
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You? A modern feminist? ME TOO! It's still very much an 'f-word' but feminism is so evolved and awesome now, and can be so many different things to different people. Muslim feminists? Yes please. Male feminists? That's cool too. Pro-life feminists? Sure, why not. It's like the exclusiveness of feminism is like an all-ages club where everything goes, and we just all want equality and personal freedoms. At least, that's the way I see it.
ReplyDeleteOh man. Fuck those people who see being lonely and wanting to be in a relationship as a sign of a lack of strength. Being single, when you are young, and a partier (of some variety) and have single friends, is kind of awesome in some ways. But once you hit 25+ or so, and most people you know aren't going home to an empty apartment, and most people have a date to things, and when you want to go to a movie all your friends are saying "okay, but I can only see this shitty badly done romantic comedy because I'm saving all the others for my husband *giggle*", being single can really suck beyond the telling of it. It can hurt, and be lonesome, and make you feel like an outcast or a martian or like there must be SOMETHING WRONG that nobody is telling you. I remember drunkenly cryingly asking good friends at least twice whether there was something I was missing, because I thought I was kind of neat and sure, I'm a chubster, but lots of people like the chubbies, and sure, I can be pretty sarcastic but I think it's sort of charming and WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME?!? *sob* *cigarette* *vodka* *hiccup*
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, and it really is lonely. And getting into dating is hard, too, and takes enormous courage, because let's face it, dating is like going to Value Village. Sure, there are amazing finds, but you have to sift through SO MUCH CRAP to find them, and sometimes, sitting through a date that is the equivalent of a sweat-stained lycra tube top is more than one person can bear.
But you DO have much going for you. You have close friends (me! me!) who love the everloving holy shit out of you, and know how fantastic you are, and want to be around you all the time and still REALLY WANT TO COOK DINNER WITH YOU. You're young and gorgeous and funny and most of all, tremendously kind, and you just have to be patient, and have faith, and in the meantime, be the best you that you're capable of, as cheesy as that sounds.
AND, if you ever do decide to try online dating, okcupid is free, and I know some people who have had pretty great success with it.
I like you so much. And you're such a great writer! I love this blog.
I like to make a distinction between feeling lonely (occasionally or often or whenever) and getting stuck on the idea that I need to be in a relationship in order to be happy. I no longer do the latter (although I very much used to) but I still sure as hell do the former, and I'm ok with it.
ReplyDeleteAlso I LOVE the Value Village analogy. So true.
thank you otherbethy.
ReplyDeleteand I like your distinction, too. It's very relevant and insightful.