Depression can be a lonely business.

Helloooooo 2011!

Some people have dared to ask me about New Years Resolutions. Fuck resolutions - if you decide to change something in your life, do it immediately, don't wait for an arbitrary day. One of my friends commented on my smoking and noted that I clearly hadn't made "quitting smoking" a resolution. I told him no, because I wanted 2011 to be a good year. In all fairness though, yes, this may in fact be the year I quit - But today will not be the day I do so.

I had a lovely night with good friends, but had to call the party short because of a very severe headache that hit me right away. Half an hour later and about 25 minutes after everyone left - no more headache. Needless to say I'm blessed with tolerant friends. As for the headache, I'm a worrier and I won't even begin on what worries me about short and severe headaches. I blame the grapefuit I ate four hours ago. Why not? It could have been anything, why not blame the inoffensive citrus fruit.

So. New Years. New beginnings, yada yada yada. I feel like I should be writing about profound changes, lofty goals, aspirations. The truth is, since I went away for Christmas "vacation" I've been devoid of pithy, significant self-discoveries. In fact, I feel quite quiet and peaceful.

I want to take this moment to address suicide. Why? Because it's an ugly topic no one wants to address. That kinda makes me want to address it. I am not, and have never been suicidal. I don't believe I ever will be. That being said, I do not condemn people who have committed suicide, despite the pain and hurt it has caused their loved ones. I won't talk about that further, because I haven't been through that pain and it's not my story to tell.

I needed to address the topic of suicide because I started talking about feeling quiet and peaceful. Anyone who has experienced depression and suicide in a loved one or who has worked in the helping professions (such as counselling) may have picked up on the idea of a depressed person suddenly feeling peaceful as being a red flag. For those who did - I would have as well, but I assure you, this is not the case. But thank you for paying attention.

I attribute my peacefulness to a discovery that no matter what I do, I have very little control over my body. It goes against everything I believed in as a counsellor, but fuck it - I'm going there.

I caused my own depression and anxiety as much as I caused a tumour on the nerve cluster in my right clavicle. As much as I caused my chronic strep throat for four years. And as much as I have caused my left eye to quit working. My body is an extraordinary machine, but one that sometimes does what it wants. I guess I'm just... along for the ride. That being said, it's not a ride I'm planning on getting off of any time soon.

Sweet dreams to all,

xo
PS