Hello to... you.

Hello to you, you who is reading this,

I'm not a computer savvy person. I don't know how my computer works, and I don't know how cyberspace works, exactly. I took a computer science class that was required to complete my Bachelor in Social Work, but otherwise (unless you count osmosis through dating two computer engineers), I'm pretty helpless at this whole internet thing.

I'm going to move away from the whole mental health thing for a moment, and talk about Alzheimers. Haha - bet you thought I was going to throw something uplifrting out there! Yeah, no.

My mother has Alzheimers, and if you check my age (31) that's pretty young. She's only 65 now, and started getting sick at 55. That means she lives with Early-Onset Alzheimers. She doesn't appear to understand what I'm saying any more, nor does she appear to know who I am. She lost the ability to speak about 8 years ago, so I can't ask her.

This is the thing. What if there's another way of reaching her brain? She's off in another mental world. She's not dead, so it's not the after-life (Heaven, reincarnation, what-have-you). She's not here, though, either. And all those stupid movies like the fucking "Notebook" that imply that she comes into reality now and then is bullshit. It doesn't fucking happen. And if it does, you have no way of knowing cause she can't talk. It's not like occasionally, if I sit around long enough, my mother comes back.

This is where I start thinking about cyberspace and the internet. Cosmic space appears to be ongoing. We don't know how big it is. And if it doesn't go on forever... what is behind it? I feel like it must go on forever. I feel like cyberspace is kind of the same. So what if space, and cyberspace are somehow interconnected? Could I contact my mother through my blog? Could I contact her through space? Where is her mind if it's not... here?

If I could contact her through cyberspace, I'm sending this to her. After all, no one is reading this blog. Maybe it's just some way for me to put it all out there, and maybe somehow she knows. If that's the case:

Mum. I love you, which I think you know because wherever you are, you probably see that I visit you every week, at least. And when I don't, I'm very sorry, but it's because I'm too panicky or phobic to see you, or I'm sick. And I know you get that, because you remember me as a child.

I want to say that I'm sorry for the time that you told me not to climb down the treehouse ladder forward, and I did anyways. You were right to ground me - I don't even know why I did it. I never would have thought of doing it if you hadn't told me not to. I also want to say that I know you didn't mean to tell me to "fuck off" the ONE time you did when we were having that fight in the car before dance. For the record, I have never forgotten that moment. I could have never imagined you would have sworn at me. Lastly, I'm sorry for getting frustrated at you when I was taking care of you, before the care home. I know you often thought you were a pain, or that I was making fun of you. I can be an asshole... I'm sorry. I was just so tired and scared. I didn't have any help and I resented that. But I never resented you.

Sleep well Mum - you are always in my heart, and you will always be my Mummy.

xoxo-L