Misery Loves Company (or do we really just want to be left alone...)

Hello World.

Not such a great weekend. Some good times, some not so good times, but I'm left with lingering sadness, and dread. Dread for the forthcoming Christmas Travel! But THAT, I will save for another post.

Douglas Coupland, my literary idol, once wrote: "Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony."

Is it true? Because I've been feeling awfully lonely, and I really just want to be left alone. Yet I have this gut feeling (okay, it's the therapist in me) that it's not the best idea for me right now. Cognitive behavioural therapists will say that in this situation, I must do the opposite of how I feel. Want to push people away? Don't. Take the risk and bring them in closer. I guess that's where the real work is done, because all I want to do is stay home where it is safe, and predictable. The outside world, the social world, is a scary place. Yet inside my safe haven of an apartment, I can control everything. The downside, of course, is that I'm left with my own thoughts. Ahh yes. My thoughts - not a particularly good friend for me to be hanging out with these days.

I saw a close friend yesterday for coffee. It was hard for me to do on many levels. Ex-love, public place, commitment (a time and a place set). I can't describe how much commitment scares the shit out of me. What if I can't make it? What then? What if I can't make it and someone gets mad at me or judges me? Why wouldn't I be able to make it, you ask? A plethora of reasons - panic attacks, anxiety, bad stomach (due to anxiety, of course). So committing means I'm saying that I will be there at a certain time and place, and I HAVE to be there. If not, it could be messy. Years of my body and mind having control over ME, and not the other way around, have taught me that if I dress up and march out that door with the intention of having a good, pre-planned time, something will go wrong and I will wind up back at home at 8:30, feeling so, amazingly disappointed in myself. For letting down others and myself.

Yes, so coffee with a close friend. He said two things that struck me (and if you are reading this, close friend, I hope you don't mind me divulging these two phrases for the purpose of discussion. I think they were very insightful. If you do mind, email me and I'll erase this entry and not do it again.)

One, was he said that I looked happier. This shocked me. He meant it, and it was such a kind thing to say because he also said that I was looking really good, which I take as a sign that I look healthy and relatively relaxed. I guess it struck me, because I don't FEEL happier. And I desperately want to. What did I do? What I do best - start crying. I had to do the obligatory 'duck to the bathroom and dab the eyes' which of course he would never fall for because he knows me to well. Then I came home, and cried all night. I miss having someone to be with, in a relationship. To look me in the eyes and make me think of all the times I felt safe and warm.

Ugh. So sad.

One other thing. The other question he posed, which I have been trying to avoid, but feel it was good for him to ask so I could face it. "Why are you depressed?"

Not a bad question... very good question, actually! I would rather someone close to me ask than not try to understand. Problem is, I just don't have an answer. There are so many gradients of sadness. There's feeling blue, feeling sad... but when does the sadness turn chronic and become "depression"? Different for everyone, I suppose, and also, depression is simply a medical term for excessive sadness, from what I can tell. Those doctors have to find fancy words for everything - makes them feel smart. The thing is, I've always defined "addiction" not as when someone is doing "too much" of something (because that's a different measurement for all) but instead - it occurs when the drugs or alcohol or behaviour are causing serious negative effects on his or her life. I suppose depression and anxiety are the same. It's sadness, it's fear, until it causes daily negative effects. Suddenly it's depression, anxiety.

I'm depressed and sad because I feel all alone. But I'm all alone because of me, getting too comfortable with my depression and sadness. I'm giving it more life every day that I avoid seeing the people I love.

Just a few thoughts for the day.

Sleep well, world,
PS