We all think you're ugly and stupid (and other cognitive distortions)

grump grump grump.

One thing right off the bat - Julie Andrews and The Sound of Music BEFORE coffee is not one of a few of my favourite things.

I had a shit sleep and woke up feeling like shit. This is me in my most eloquent state - shit shit shit. I'm just brewing some coffee (no, I haven't had my coffee yet) and taking a gander at my homework for the weekend! A few things first before the homework. To start, my mind races ALL night in the forms of dreams. I generally wake up feeling like I ran a cognitive marathon. Also, some mornings my meds hit me differently (I still haven't been able to predict when and why) and I am CONKED OUT. Highly sedated. In a state of hazy hazy bliss. Tripping the light fantastic.***

***(On a complete side note, I just looked up that saying to make sure I had it right, and the definition is "a journey, a stumble or a fall". Well, that's boring and has nothing to do with drug abuse. Trust Milton to make a poetic phrase like that mean something dull and literal. Luckily McCartney jazzed it up and re-defined it, writing it to define "dancing". Also nothing to do with drug use. So basically, nobody meant drug use. Huh. Where did I get that from??)

Okay, waaaay off tangent. Reel it in, nutter.

Right. Weekend homework. This weekend, I am to be addressing my "cognitive thought distortions". Basically - icky thoughts that we think about ourselves that nobody believes but us. People with depression looooove sitting around and thinking these thoughts. It's actually quite alarming. I was told last week to write five good things about myself, no matter how small. I kept writing something down, and then thinking "well, except for that time" or "but sometimes..." and then erasing it. I ended up bursting into tears. Five good things about myself? Fuck you! Why couldn't you have given me an easy job, like a 25 page essay on how I believe I've screwed up my life (and others'...)?

How does one try to address and redirect icky thought patterns? Well, we're starting with the basics - writing them down. Eventually, we're supposed to be able to come up with this more realistic thinking inside our heads. By us, I mean myself and my group therapy members, by the way. We, the pyjama smokers.

It's easy! Just follow these basic steps. It's as easy as 1, 2, 3!

1. Think of a specific situation where you felt a negative feeling, and rate that feeling. Me? I cracked a (possibly cheeky) joke to a friend who was standing next to me, and he didn't respond. I felt... embarassed. On a scale of 1-10? Embarassed: 8/10.

2. Think of reasons why he didn't respond that PROVE I SHOULD feel embarassed. This is where you get to write down all those irrational places you go to in your brain when you feel hurt and defensive: 1) It was a joke at the expense of my medical problems, and he may have thought it was inappropriately personal. 2) He doesn't find the topic of suicide to be something to joke about. 3) He doesn't find the topic of sacrificing pointsettias to be something to joke about. 4) He thinks I'm crazy and inappropriate.

3. Think of reasons why he didn't respond that PROVE I should not feel embarassed. What am I missing? 1) He may not have heard me! 2) He may not have gotten the joke (ie - doesn't know that pointsettias are poisonous). 3) He may have wanted to laugh, but wasn't sure if it was appropriate to do so.

4. Now, think of a reasonable and *balanced* explanation based on numbers 2 and 3, and re-rate your feeling (embarassment).

Okay. Here goes. When I didn't win the pointsettia in the door prize and said to my friend next to me: "It's probably a good thing I did't win. It may not be the best idea to give the clinically depressed girl a pointsettia plant to get her through the holidays" my friend probably didn't respond because he didn't get the joke and wasn't sure how to respond. Based on that rational explanation, I only feel embarassed on a level of 5/10 now.

Ta da! See? Now I feel better! What I did is I wrote down all the places my brain automatically jumped to (default: you're ugly and stupid) and then I wrote down the more balanced and realistic explanations.

Try it sometime! It's kind of like inserting a rational and kind voice (maybe my best friend's voice?) into my own crazy, irrational, judgemental, hurtful inner voice.

And on that note, my coffee is ready, and I'm ready to start demantling the opinions I've had of myself since childhood. Wee! This should only take... a lifetime.

Later alligators,
PS